Saturday, March 10, 2007

Blogger Baiting

It is a well known fact that certain members of the blogging species have, and I will abandon my usual tasteful linguistic delicacy here, a red-hot two foot pole up their asses. Simply put, they take themselves way too seriously, taking offence at the smallest of deviations from their dangerously high levels of political correctness, which usually come at the expense of factual correctness.

So to remedy that, I occasionally do the following. The world might not be a better place for it, but I sure as fuck get my kicks and giggles out of it.

I leave random, irrelevant, irreverent comments on their blogs, often, just to see how they'll react. (Oh no, not on YOUR blog, I'd never do that!)

Come on, admit it, we've all trolled! There's no shame in it. It's how I started my blogging career, as, uh, some people on my blogroll might claim.

Anyway, the ones that respond with humor get my instant respect. Many, you'll find, are not intelligent enough to handle curveballs.

Ve are the robots.
Ve are the robots.
Ve protzess informatzion uberlinearly.
Ve cannot protzess your reqvest.
Ve cannot protzess your reqvest.
Ve cannot protzess your reqvest.

And on a completely unrelated note, I need a man right now. A man who will lovingly gaze into my eyes, grab me by the hair, and softly whisper the words 'te quiero, puta!' in my ears. The boyfriend (fool*!) ain't doing that because he isn't frikkin' here. The man I made out with one drunken night who is now living in my apartment for a week ain't doing it either, because his Muttersprache is more Teutonic than Latinic.

Must be the romantic in me, what else do you expect from the girl who goes by the oh-so-adorable-type-1-and-2-diabetes-inducing cutesypie blogging name of Raindrop?

*He ought to be a little less complacent about this situation, in my opinion. DrunkenNightBoy isn't cute, but he's easily accessible, and he's been partially tried and tested. The boyfriend is not readily available. I may be super loyal and trustworthy, but that doesn't mean he can just go ahead and take my loyalty for granted! Like I said, fool!

Edit: Look to your right. Doesn't the woman in the picture have a seriously hot ass?

Saturday, March 03, 2007


I'm seriously bored. I'm in a yacht/chateau buying mood. Actually, I'd prefer it if someone bought me a yacht/chateau. Or even a fucking Hermes scarf.

Will you be my sugar daddy? Or sugar mommy, if that's your thing?

Sunday, February 18, 2007

The Girl With The Golden Toering

Your first mission, 007, is to play the Bond theme in your head. Sets the right kind of mood for this post.

Your next mission is to offer me your resignation. Because Bond Girl's taking over. Yes, you heard me. This show now belongs to me. Sorry, it wasn't personal.

Bond's trademark is no longer the gun. So cliche, so dated. We have now developed the Golden Toering. 24 karat perfection, armed with a tiny diode laser device that ionizes air as it lases. The R&D wing of MIX developed the Ionazer in the year 2006, one of our most closely guarded secrets. When the Toering is armed, it sets up conduction pathways capable of delivering fatal electric shocks of up to 10,000 volts over a 100 metre range. It can also be used to deliver smaller shocks, enough to stun an average sized human being without causing fatality. Best of all, it goes perfectly well with any style of clothing or footwear.

MIX has secretly been running a school. A Bond Girl training school.

Potential Bond Girls are taught every skill they need in order to become top notch spies. These girls eventually find highly successful careers in international espionage, and very often, will end up in rival agencies. Best friends today might plot evil, but ingeniously clever ways to outwit/outsmart/kill each other in the future. They're prepared for this, they are ruthless. They're brooding intellectuals one minute and smoking hot sex goddesses the next. They can fly planes and make explosives out of paper clips and a cigarette lighter. They speak fluent Russian and Chinese, and that's not all they do with those tongues. The best part? They don't whine when hormonal, they simply blow you to smithereens.

And only one Girl gets to be Bond Girl. That girl is now me.

Agent Raindrop reporting, over and out.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Woman On Top (Well, almost)

How annoying is it to climb ONLY 35.7 feet of a 36 ft wall because that last hold is just not stable?

On the one hand, the cute guy you're with is cheering you on from below. On the other, your roommate who has a thing for him is your belayer and therefore, effectively holds your life in her hands.

And you know she's hormonal right now.

So considering I'm in one piece, I suppose my day wasn't so bad after all.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

If I were an advice columnist in a trashy mag.

Today, I shall attempt to answer a question that women have been asking themselves ever since men stopped beating them over the head with clubs and then dragging them off to their caves to the sounds of cheering crowds pronouncing them cavemen and wife.

So would you rather be hit over the head and dragged kicking and screaming into your man's cave, or are you the patient sort who prefers to wait until he pops the question? If you'd rather he knocked you unconscious and claimed you as his, then you're just the sensible kind of reader we hope to attract in this magazine. If you think you'd rather wait, then make sure you think up a few dozen cat names while you're at it, for all the cats that are going to keep you company in your miserably lonely old age.

Don't just take my word for it. Cosmo's with me on this one. So are the authors of 'He's just not that into you'. At least, I think they're with me anyway, since I haven't ever read the book. But like most books, I imagine that you can judge what's in it based on the cover.

I used the incredibly scientific method of averaging some random numbers that popped into my head to come up with how long a guy should take to propose to you before you tell him to go screw himself (politely, of course). It's 1.1932333333333(rounded off) years.

If you've been seeing him for even an instant longer than 1.19323333333333 years, then it's time to call it quits. Go ahead now, make excuses for him, tell me he can't help it, he's a commitmentphobe.

My response to that would be:

As my mom would say, my foot. My grandmother didn't let her use words like ass.

He's only a commitmentphobe because he's not sure he wants to be with YOU. Find yourself another boy. This one's not worth keeping.

P.S. I have proved on my other blog that men are cavemen.

Click here to read it.

Men are cavemen.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Racism or plain old bitchiness?

Big Brother with Shilpa Shetty.

Can't upload the damn video, but click on the link!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Decipher this!

This is a typical Mediocretes-Raindrop conversation. It's amazing that we manage to understand each other at all.

Mediocretes :i love my font
Raindrop :you're a girl.
Mediocretes :the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
Raindrop :with your purple cursive font.
Raindrop :dude, you're gay.
Raindrop :seriously.
Mediocretes :yup
Raindrop :purple AND cursive? come on.
Mediocretes :i won't apologize for being gay or loving my font
Raindrop :that's fine, i wasn't expecting you to.
Mediocretes :i just wish it had a little heart for the i dot

Raindrop :as a kid, i always got annoyed when girlie girls used to draw circles over their is.
Raindrop :i just DOTTED my is.
Raindrop :i refuse to say i's.
Mediocretes :yeah... i's would be a typo.
Mediocretes :not really a typo, but incorrect.
Raindrop :i'm not sure though
Mediocretes :why?
Mediocretes :you wouldn't just dot a single i.
Mediocretes :so, your is.
Mediocretes :which could be confused with a singular is.
Mediocretes :but i doubt you'd just dot one single is.
Raindrop :no, no. i think there's a special rule for alphaets.
Mediocretes :so then, it'd be iss.
Mediocretes :no, i don't think there's any rule.
Raindrop :googling it
Mediocretes :i don't ever use an apostrophe
Mediocretes :i think the webster's included it because people just naturally tend to use it
Raindrop :me neither, but i've always seen one used. i wasn't aware of this special rule.
Mediocretes :like CD's
Raindrop :it makes it easy babe.
Mediocretes :etc.
Raindrop :CDs sounds wrong.
Mediocretes :not to me.
Raindrop :is
Mediocretes :CD's just looks better
Raindrop :is is very hard to distinguish from is.
Raindrop :as in the third person form of to be
Mediocretes :yup, it is
Raindrop :as opposed to plural of i.
Mediocretes :but i's could be mistaken for i's... if you get what i mean.
Mediocretes :so some thrid rule should be invented
Mediocretes :like an underscore.
Raindrop :what's the other i's anyway?
Mediocretes :so i don't really buy the apostrophe rule
Raindrop :i's house? where i is someone you know?
Raindrop :but you can tell from the context, can't you?
Raindrop :if it's possessive, it's always followed by a noun..
Mediocretes :the i's construction in the font wasn't correct
Mediocretes :that's the other i's
Mediocretes :not just the plural.
Mediocretes :exactly
Mediocretes :so you can tell is from the context too!
Mediocretes :i's just just more aesthetically appealing... it's not more logical.
Mediocretes :if you can tell one of the i's from context... you obviously can tell the other.
Raindrop :anyway, the point is, i used to dot mine and not circle them!
Mediocretes :so did i.
Raindrop :i always thought people who circled their is were gay.
Raindrop :i thought it was unnecessarily frivolous to circle your is. i still do.
Mediocretes :well, circling is incorrect to begin with.
Mediocretes :it's a dot.
Raindrop :yeah, it's incorrect and it's also very gay!
Raindrop :it's almost as bad as hearts.
Raindrop :i've seen those too.
Raindrop :those, thankfully, were not encouraged in school.
Raindrop :yes, don't idiots realize that you DOT your fucking is. you don't CIRCLE them.
Raindrop :just as you cross your Ts and don't fucking ellipse them.
Mediocretes :yes... but the logical counterpart for a dash (or cross) would be a rectangle, not an ellipse
Mediocretes :so yeah... you don't rectangle your ts
Mediocretes :actually, i don't know.
Mediocretes :an ellipse might be more logical.
Mediocretes :yeah, probably an ellipse
Mediocretes :not a rectangle.
Raindrop :yeah, if a dash became a rectangle, a dot would become a square.
Mediocretes :a rectangle's a different from.. it's like arranging 4 dashes together
Mediocretes :the basic structure is the same.
Mediocretes :so yeah, ellipse.
Raindrop :this is the height of pointlessness.
Mediocretes :i don't think so. this has deep mathematical implications!
Mediocretes :no, seriously
Mediocretes :but if i really think about it
Mediocretes :a dash has no counterpart.
Mediocretes :because a dot is truly dimensionless.
Mediocretes :but a dash isn't.
Raindrop :a dash has one dimension. big deal.
Mediocretes :yes, which is what makes it fundamentally different from a dot
Raindrop :dude, let's get back to the real world for a second.
Raindrop :the sort of dot an i requires is NOT a dimensionless dot.
Raindrop :it has the same dimensions as the dash.
Raindrop :two.
Raindrop :so just as a two dimensional dot becomes a two dimensional circle, a two dimensional dash becomes a two dimensional ellipse.
Mediocretes :ok....
Mediocretes :so i agree..
Mediocretes :it's an ellipse
Mediocretes :not a rectangle.
Mediocretes :if the dot became a square... the the dash would become a rectangle
Raindrop :yup.
Raindrop :but this conversation was about circling is.
Mediocretes :yeah.. but you brought up the ellipse... and i, very uncharacteristically, was misled by own mammoth intelligence... that a dash might be better represented by a rectangle, in an alternate 2-D universe.

Raindrop :I think in 3-d babe. in 4-d actually, i'm the inventor of the hypercube.

Raindrop :i called it the quadrube.

Raindrop :i can draw you one
Mediocretes :the fact that you can draw one proves that you're full of shit.
Raindrop :it's going to be a representation of a 4-d object on 2-d paper.
Raindrop :well, it's like drawing a cube.
Mediocretes :yeah, but that's because our brains can process perspective in 2-D
Mediocretes :but our brains can't do that with 4-D

Mediocretes :so you can't represent 4-D in 2-D
Mediocretes :so fuck you.
Raindrop :i can represent 4d in 2d as well as i can represent 3d in 2d. we understand 3d, but how does that make a difference?
Mediocretes :fine, draw it.
Raindrop :when you see a 3-d object drawn in 2-d, you can tell it's possible because it makes sense. a 4-d object in 2-d makes little sense. but it's still a decent representation.
Raindrop :okay. it's easy enough babe. i'm sure you could draw it too.
Raindrop :as a square becomes a cube, a cube becomes a quadrube.
Mediocretes :a 4d object in 4d makes little sense... which is why it makes even less sense in 2d.
Mediocretes :then fucking draw it.
Raindrop :a 4-d object in 4-d makes little sense? what the fuck?
Raindrop :dude, you're so constrained by 3 fucking dimensions.
Raindrop :and btw, this is pretty basic higher dimensional geometry.
Mediocretes :and you're constrained by your own hyper stupidity.
Raindrop :dude, fuck off.
Raindrop :i'll do BETTER than draw a damn quadrube, i'll SHOW YOU A PREDRAWN PIC!
Mediocretes :ok
Raindrop :
Raindrop :i can show you many more.
Raindrop :
Mediocretes :that is absolutely the dumbest thing i've seen. not mathematically, but the visual representation.
Mediocretes :dude, i get the fourth dimension
Raindrop :how's it dumb? you're an idiot.
Mediocretes :i'm talking about the visual respresentation.
Raindrop :that's a visual representation! a pretty decent one.
Raindrop :
Mediocretes :yawn.
Mediocretes :i'm going to shower.
Raindrop :go shower
Raindrop :loser.