Sunday, February 04, 2007

If I were an advice columnist in a trashy mag.

Today, I shall attempt to answer a question that women have been asking themselves ever since men stopped beating them over the head with clubs and then dragging them off to their caves to the sounds of cheering crowds pronouncing them cavemen and wife.

So would you rather be hit over the head and dragged kicking and screaming into your man's cave, or are you the patient sort who prefers to wait until he pops the question? If you'd rather he knocked you unconscious and claimed you as his, then you're just the sensible kind of reader we hope to attract in this magazine. If you think you'd rather wait, then make sure you think up a few dozen cat names while you're at it, for all the cats that are going to keep you company in your miserably lonely old age.

Don't just take my word for it. Cosmo's with me on this one. So are the authors of 'He's just not that into you'. At least, I think they're with me anyway, since I haven't ever read the book. But like most books, I imagine that you can judge what's in it based on the cover.

I used the incredibly scientific method of averaging some random numbers that popped into my head to come up with how long a guy should take to propose to you before you tell him to go screw himself (politely, of course). It's 1.1932333333333(rounded off) years.

If you've been seeing him for even an instant longer than 1.19323333333333 years, then it's time to call it quits. Go ahead now, make excuses for him, tell me he can't help it, he's a commitmentphobe.

My response to that would be:



As my mom would say, my foot. My grandmother didn't let her use words like ass.

He's only a commitmentphobe because he's not sure he wants to be with YOU. Find yourself another boy. This one's not worth keeping.

P.S. I have proved on my other blog that men are cavemen.

Click here to read it.

Men are cavemen.

34 comments:

WishfulThinker said...

Very sexy foot indeed! :D But then, thats just my inner caveman growling! :D

sac said...

I must now agree that anklets look far better on ankles than consequences.

Anonymous said...

Are you single?

Anonymous said...

This is a really boring post, but nice foot.

Raindrop said...

Haha, wishful, you must always remember to treat your inner caveman well. He can get you some great sex.

Sac, indeed. I don't think they make anklets large enough for consequences anyway..

anonymous, I'm not single. Thanks about the foot, no thanks about the post. That wasn't nice.

Raindrop said...

Oh, and I think I'm convinced that men can't read. I wrote a whole goddamn post, and what do you guys do? Head straight for the damn pic. It's not about being visual, I think it's more about being illiterate.

Also, I've noticed that when men have a conversation with you, they're not paying attention to what you say, they're trying to work it out by reading your body language, while taking furtive peeks down your cleavage. I don't think men understand English, or any other spoken language for that matter. That's why they suck at talking on the phone.

And when they want something, they grunt. Men are cavemen. All men.

Drunken Master said...

Man, you just made me tear up. First, because you brought up cats when I just got news my cousin sold my bestest friend (his cat) in the whole world. Who will I get drunk with now???

Second, just like the Geico commercial, I take offense at the use of the term "caveman". That was my nickname in high school (not because I was a pig, but for a wholly other reason), so I demand an apology along with a Smoked Salmon with Mango Salsa accompanied by a glass of the best Pinot Grigio available.

Third, you reminded me of how great Cosmo is, helping us single guys get laid all the time...

Now where's that box of tissues???

Silvara said...

LOL - great advice - truly written in the best of the best - trashy magazines. Then again I've always considered myself not to be part of the norm and stuck with my guy even after no hint of a ring in that 1.19323333333333 year time frame. It was hard work but I finally got him to commit!! Now I can look to years of being slave to his every caveman-like whim while people cheer as we walk hand in hand to his cave :P

Exactly - what was with up with the skimming over the post and heading for the shoe?? I agree it's a very pretty shoe and also by that account it's a pretty foot - but GUYS you're missing the POINT. Or is it that you have just proved the point??? Hmmm...

Anonymous said...

Poll:

I'm raindrop's boyfriend. Absurd post. Anyway, do you guys think she's a keeper?

jerry said...

The foot's nice and so is the post. :) Cheers! If I find it, I'll send you Dave Barry's piece on Cosmo.

Madame Mahima said...

oh goodness..you know i firmly believe that the shoe is only as sexy as the leg, and phwoar..those are sexy shoes.
(i'm getting my lesbian on, cant you tell)

bah. men.
*shakes head*

dodo said...

Raindrop, please stop using gibberish numbers and start expressing yourself in meaningful es and πs, like this! Then, I will definitely comment :).

By the way, is that your left foot or your right foot? One of my resolutions for this year is to not comment on right feet :(.

Sriram said...

Raindrop's boyfriend : She reads cosmo. Are you kidding? This one is a keeper! (And on that subject, if she's a good enough keeper, you think she could play for India?)

Raindrop's BF said...

Sriram, she's the keeper of just my wicket. And that's quite a handful - I don't think she'll have time for India.

Raindrop said...

Drunken Master,

First, you're sick. You got a poor CAT drunk? You're sick.

Second, cavemen need to suck it up. A caveman who takes offense is not much of a caveman in my mind. No one wants a pansyass caveman. Cavemen are real men, they don't shave, they stink with pride, and they eat raw tiger for breakfast. A whining caveman is just completely pointless. I DO like Geico commercials though, but if I were the caveman, I'd have ripped some balls out to show I was pissed.

Third, Cosmo is great, it has half naked pics of men on it. And women too, because we're all bi.

Silvara, you're doing fine. You got him to buckle, which at your age, is no small achievement. You're on top of your game!

And you're right, we do seem to have a few foot fetishists here, don't we? They've taken my foot out of context, which is quite cool to watch, actually.

Anonymous, I think I'm the one who's going to be making that decision. :P

Jerry, thanks. A boyfriend I once had gave me Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys. Funny shit. :)

Mahima, you need to get back in here more often! Stop doing crazy disappearing acts!:)

And I'm amusing myself by repeating the word 'phwoar' over and over again. It's super fun, and I'm getting addicted to it.

Dodo, e and pi are both too large for my stated purpose. And transcendental numbers are too other-worldly for me, my goals in life are terribly boring and mundane

Care to take a guess as to which foot that is?:)

Sriram, thank you for your kind words. I've always taken great pride in advertising to the world my perusal of airhead magazines. And on that note, I didn't know India played Quidditch. But I'd rather be a seeker than a keeper anyway.

raindrop's bf, you wish. Besides, I'm under no contractual obligation to stay in your team. Legal documents are binding, my insincere words are not.

Drunken Master said...

Raindrop, I didn't get him drunk, I was drunk *with* him. If you must know, this cat is scaring the shit out of a hound dog at his new home. Guess who he has to thank for that?

About being a caveman, I've done my fair share of bludgeoning and haven't gone the Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski way. Guess that's a good thing...

Szerelem said...

Nice shoes...and I agree, other fish in the sea and all...
Btw, I don't know about cavemen (too neandarthal for my taste probably) but the other end with metrosexual freaks are so pissing off as well....

jerry said...

:) Found it but isnt your email linking? Guess I'll just post it on mine.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

This guy I once dated carried an "idiots guide to sex" with him wherever he went. Needless to say when I found out, I dumped his ass. Inner caveman or not, I refuse to date clueless, lame douches.

Over and out.

Nath said...

Raindrop: First, you're sick. You got a poor CAT drunk? You're sick.

Cats are mean. Also too bony to eat.

Anyway, I think the reason we're all ignoring your post is that that particular piece of advice doesn't really apply to us.

Besides, the picture is kind of scary. I don't know why anybody would wear such an impractical piece of footwear, except to stab other people with the heel.

Guns don't kill people. Pointy shoes (and cats) kill people.

trussed-bull-on-rickshaw said...

Is using the word "commitment-phobe" become a fad these days? I think it’s just not the guys who suffer from this untreatable disease, but also the fairer sex. For certain people this disease stems from the fact that deep down they aren’t sure if they really love the person, or even if they do does the other person loves them back with same intensity and fervor i.e. insecurity factor combined with just plain lack of interest in the partner after relationship loose its freshness and bloom. As most of the relationships are an amorous ogle turned into cumbersome routine. So when this happens one of the two are bound to become non-committal. Now there is another class of people whose buttoned-up behavior arises from the fact that they have crossed a certain threshold of self-growth and self-flagellation, and have acknowledged the fact that everything in this world is mercurial and transitory, and getting attached to a physical body is not only putrefying by its very nature but also destructive to the growth of the person.

So here in lies the explanation of commitment-phobia.

And I think Cosmo should be proscribed from the market, as it is corrupting the minds of nascent-and-nubile-nymphs world over just like Indians are being corrupted by the rotten-inane-morbid-nauseating-hindi-sasn-bahu-soaps.

Nice shoes! :)

Raindrop's BF said...

Raindrop said...
Valentine's day couples in love are painful to watch when you're single, but even more painful and hurtful when you're not because your boyfriend doesn't 'do' Valentine's day or any other day either. Not even if it'll make you happy.:P


Raindrop, STFU. I agreed to have sex with you on v-day. Be happy.

Raindrop's BF said...

And who taught you about humidifiers, Raindrop?

Vijayeta said...

Oh dear! I wanted to say something... Something meaningful and intelligent sounding which i've now completely forgotten as i read through all the comments here :P
But I did leave one at the other blog! And yes, great pedicure and hot shoes :)
Who wants to bother with commitment phobic men when you've got goodies like these around!

iz said...

Teh myth that needs to be dispelled more urgently is the fact that every woman is just DYING to get married! Nothing is friggin further from the truth! On another note, well written.

Alphabets said...

No they are not!!! But if you still feel so then there are exceptions here too.... ;)
Very well written...

TS said...

Rubbish RS, I've been seeing someone for 5 years now! And I've not popped the question because we're only 23!

TS said...

Sorry, that was meant to be RD!

Raindrop said...

Drunken, I'm sure the hound could have the cat for breakfast, he's just being nice, as hounds often are.

Szerelem, oh, I don't like cavemen either. And yeah, I don't think I could deal with a guy who has regular pedicures either. I just like my men on the slightly manlier side. :)

Jerry, it works. As far as I know..

punkster, that's funny. If I were him though I'd have saved myself the embarrassment of being caught with the book, I'd have just memorized it instead. :)

Nath, agree with you on cats, but not on the shoes. I LOVE impractical footwear. But I *do* wear very sensible footwear when I need to do some actual walking.

Trussed bull, I agree that when you've been in a relationship long enough and everything's just static, it's a pain. I mean, if the courtship stage is over, you might as well be married. Otherwise it's just downhill from there.

Raindrop's bf, fuck off. You're completely useless.

Raindrop said...

Vijayeta, I agree about the comments. Men are adorably cute when they're trying to be intelligent. Thanks about the shoes! I love them too!

Iz, women aren't dying to be married but it's so unfair that women have to deal with biological clocks, don't you think? I wish I could have kids at 65, but I can't. And thanks!:)

Alphabets, heh. If you say so! I say they are. And thank you. :)

TS, yeah, you're a baby at 23. I, however, am not 23. :)

chitgo said...

http://chitgo.nomadlife.org/2007/02/dcs-advice-column-v-day-assassination.aspx

http://chitgo.nomadlife.org/2007/02/dcs-advice-column-v-day-no-date.aspx

Scritch said...

raindrops bf is hilarious. I concur entirely about V day. This year I was fortunately exempted from any kind of bullshit celebration but was still obliged to buy some sort of lame-but trying-to-avoid-all-the-goddamn hearts gift.

Anonymous said...

Really sexy foot. Really sexy. You should post a larger photo.

Ok, I'm a man and I probably am a caveman, but jeez that a sexy foot!

InExile said...

thank god finally someone painted a true pic of men !!

baby you so saxxxy writer (in an entirely sexual way)