Babies are little adults on drugs.

A few people I know have their very own poopmachines. Also known as babies. And these people, also known as proud parents, act like sprouting teeth is some kind of huge intellectual achievement.

It's not.

And if you've never been around a baby, here's a surprising fact about them.

They're unbelievably stupid.

Yeah, please don't give me that politically correct shit about their little brains developing. Their brains have plenty of time to develop while they're hogging their mothers' precious resources in the womb. Look at dogs and horses and other animals. They walk MINUTES after they're born! And humans are supposed to be SMARTER than them! Don't tell me that this has never struck you as being a tad odd?

Their dirty secret is drugs. Yes, wrap your diaper around THAT one.

I bet I'll have my kid reading Joyce and doing the cryptic crossword at three months, simply by blocking access to drugs.

Don't believe babies are on drugs? This little incident might help you see what I'm talking about. It's a true story, and it might shock some of you.

A proud mama once handed me her baby because she wanted to have a life for five minutes. I was holding the baby, so I decided I might as well engage it in some interesting conversation.

Hello, little baby.

*blank wide-eyed look*

My name is Raindrop. You have teeth and a tongue, your mom thinks you're some kind of genius. Say my name if you're that smart.

*gurgle*

Raindrop. Repeat after me. Rain-drop.

fa-fa.

What the hell is fa-fa?

*stupid smile*

Come on now, say my name. Rain-drop!

fa-fa.

fa-fa sounds NOTHING like my name you little shit. What have you been smoking?

goo-gaa.

You've been smoking goo-gaa? (I'm not familiar with that one, but this baby definitely knows its drugs.)

Look, kid. It's an easy name to say if you aren't on crack.

*tugs at my hair*

Oh, is that your idea of being cute? Let me tell you kid, that shit doesn't work in the real world.

*gurgly, almost giggly smile*

(Sighing) You're not even a year old, and you're already a dopehead. You, kid, are going to give your poor parents a lot of grief.

*flaps its arms wildly, laughing like a little maniac*

And this continued for a while. The poor little shit couldn't even say my name. I realize it was at an impressionable age, and all the other babies were doing it too. I tried hard not to be judgemental and preachy, but I do believe we're responsible for the choices we make. This baby had strayed. Hopefully not irrevocably though. Kindergarten is the baby version of rehab.

Are you still not convinced that babies are dopeheads? I have MORE proof, just for unbelievers such as yourself.

"Other signs and symptoms of drug abuse are dilated pupils, restlessness, hyperactivity, euphoria, slurred speech, disabled co-ordination, incontinence, decreased attention span, an irregular sleep pattern and impaired judgment. "

Do babies have dilated pupils? Yes. Have you ever seen the glazed looks on those little zombie faces?
Are they restless and hyperactive? Hell, yes.
Are they euphoric? Yes, and they laugh like maniacs.
Is their speech slurred? Baby speech is the epitome of slurred speech. They can't fucking talk.
Disabled co-ordination? Obviously, would you ever trust a baby to drive your car? NO! And have you seen them drool? Disgusting.
Incontinence? The diaper industry wouldn't exist if this weren't true!
Decreased attention span? Babies have the shortest attention spans ever. Try catching a baby do ANYTHING for over 5 minutes. Other than crying and sleeping.
Irregular sleep pattern? You know the answer to that if you've ever been around a baby. It's a resounding YES!
Impaired judgement? Even the idiots who ask Playboy for advice on life would not consider asking babies for advice. How many baby judges have you seen? Zero.

I strongly suspect it's in baby food/formula. So feed your baby Big Mac and McFries, because you can be sure there's no nasty shit in there.

P.S. Please, dear friends from college, I don't think your baby is smart at all, even if it just said its first word. Because 'gwynng' is not a word. It may be a Welsh word, but Welsh words don't count. And DO NOT send me pictures of your babies stuffing their faces, food messily splattered all over them. I don't want to hear about their toilet training escapades either. If I were ever in charge of a country, these are some of the things I would make taboo.

Some people might find all of that cute, but those people are usually put away before they can do themselves/others any real harm.

Babies pretty much come from sludge and ooze, live in sludge and ooze, and then make their own sludge and ooze.

'Nuff said.

Update: I'm a judgemental bitch who gets really annoyed when people mispronounce the French word 'forte'. It's one syllable, plain and simple. Fort-ay is wrong! If you want to be pretentious and impress people with your French, then at least get it right! Or just stick to English like the hoi polloi. The incorrect use of French personal pronouns is another thing that gets to me.

It's not pedantry at play here, folks. Anyone who uses a foreign word when an English word would suffice, is trying, on some level, to impress. You can pull it off by getting the word right, but by getting it wrong, you're fair game. You WILL be ridiculed.